Made it through my last chemo

I have endured a mammogram, biopsy, and ultra sound. Not to mention a mastectomy. Recovery from the surgery. A scar from my sternum bone to my arm pit. 18 straight weeks of chemo on a dose dense schedule. 58 Neuprogen shots (just 8 to go). At least 16 IV pokes, not including the ones I had for IV fluids when I was sick the first week of chemo or for the cancer tests. A non-stop runny nose for 10 weeks. Two MUGA scans with two shots each time. CT scans, MRI’s, Ultra sounds. Several bottles of nausea drugs, steroids, pain medications, etc. Sterioids, Benadryl, and Pepcid IV’s. Driving back and forth from chemo 2 hours round trip every week for 8 weeks, and every other week for 10 weeks. Endless hours of sitting in the Oncology building waiting for doctors appointments, and infusions. Blood tests 2 and 3 times a week.

My most recent doctors appointment showed that my blood counts are very good, which is saying something after all of that. Sadly, chemo was nothing compared to being so dizzy for a year I could barely walk from a virus that effected my ears. It was a walk in the park compared to being in so much pain from Fibro Myalgia last summer that I couldn’t even sit up in a chair for months with a husband who was angry at me because he didn’t understand what was happening to me.

I have my pre-op for my first reconstruction surgery this week. I am guessing I will have at least two surgeries, maybe 3 or 4 when all is as said and done. The first surgery is to put a temporary implant in that is inflated slowly over a few weeks to the size we want, and then a permanent implant is put in it’s place. Then it will be time to endure driving back and forth for two hours every day to radiation for 6 weeks, and pray that it doesn’t do too much damage to the implant, so that we don’t have to resort to plan B for reconstruction, which is removing part of my stomach and turning it into a breast. Ouch! Once the radiation is over I will have a nipple graphed to my new breast, and surgery on the other breast to make it match the new breast in size and symmetry.

Obviously, by no means is this over yet. I still have a long way to go. However, I have also come a long way. The thought of chemo was very daunting, and I made it through that. So, I am sure I will make it the rest of the way.

I have already informed my husband that he will be taking me to Maui again for a major celebration of life after all of this is over. I will deserve it for all the hell I have been through in the last few years.

Please continue to pray for my recovery and for my family. My kids have been home for school for the last few weeks, and even through I am wore out, it has been really nice to have them all to myself and take them to the library, and out to lunch and shopping like normal mom’s get to do and take for granted. I have 3 very special kids. They all love their Mommy very much. I think to some extent they all understand that they may not always have a Mom around if things don’t go well, and it has taught them to appreciate me more than children their ages. There is just so much more left to teach them. I intent to be here for them for a long time.

Add comment July 6th, 2008 Julie

The night before my last chemo

Tomorrow is my very last chemo treatment.  It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost six months since I was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer.  I can’t believe I have made it this far.  There is still a long way to go, but it’s a relief  to get chemo over with.  Chemo takes a lot out of you.  It changes you chemically inside.  It changes you emotionally outside.  I believe it has put me into menopause.  It has been several weeks since my last period.  I have also been ridiculously hot for weeks.  I have the air turned down and the ceiling fans on and I am still sweating.  It reminds me of being pregnant.  Every time I was pregnant I would have the windows open when it was 30 degrees F out with the covers all kicked off.  Andy would practically wear his jacket to bed and 3 or 4 blankets.  ha

My doctor said I could be in menopause temporarily for a year, or permanently.  Good thing I am very done having kids.

It will be so nice to take my last Neupogen shot.  I have 8 to go.  Talk about miserable.  Having shots in your stomach every night for half of every month.  I won’t miss that.   I know my husband will be glad that he doesn’t have to give them to me any more.

It will also be nice not to be a pin cushion any more.  No blood tests every two weeks, no IV’s every week.  My veins are starting to wear out from the chemo.  Every week they have to find a new vein to stick the IV into.  I have sore spots all over my arm and hand on the left side.  They can’t use the other side because that is where my lymph nodes were removed.  There is a risk of infection when you don’t have enough lymph nodes.

Please pray that my last chemo goes well and that the next week and a half goes smoothly so I can have my surgery when scheduled.

Add comment July 2nd, 2008 Julie

Cancer, Cancer, Everywhere

I went to the gym today to work out in the pool as I often do.  I have a dear friend that is much older than I am that I talk to in the pool whenever I go.  She has had cancer in both breast and both lungs, so she and I have a lot in common.   Today she told me about her niece, who is just 50 years old.   Apparently, she went into the hospital to have surgery for what they though was gallbladder trouble.    When they opened her up they found cancer EVERYWHERE.  Her liver, her pancreas, etc.  They just closed her back up and had to tell this poor woman when she came out of the anesthesia that she has terminal cancer and less than two years to live.  She had no obvious symptoms what so ever.  Cancer is a sneaky disease.

When I hear stories like this I am so grateful  that my cancer is considered curable.  I have handled surgery and the chemo pretty well.  No major side effects.  Nothing I couldn’t live with.  I am stronger that I ever expected to be.  I have 3 children that I have to be strong for.   I cannot leave them without a Mommy.  They need me.

Please pray for this woman in her time of need.  She is going to need all the prayer she can get.

Add comment June 24th, 2008 Julie

One and a half weeks of chemo left

I had my 3rd Taxol infusion last Thursday.  I have just one more on July 3rd and I am officially done with chemo.  Happy Dance!   It will be so nice to only have to go for treatment every 3 weeks for awhile.  I have my first reconstruction surgery on July 15th.  I will start radiation some time around September I think.  That is still to be decided.

So far I am not in a lot of pain from the Taxol this time around.  My knees and ankles are starting to ache and my legs are stiff.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I wake up really sore tomorrow.

The kids are home for the summer now.  I am not looking forward to being the entertainment committee while I am wore down from 4 months of chemo and then surgery.  My parents will be here soon, so that will help.  They can help keep them entertained.

Thank you for all of your prayers. They have really been a comfort in this difficult time.

Add comment June 22nd, 2008 Julie

Date of my last chemo

Hallelujah!! I have the date of my last Taxol infusion. July 3rd will be my last chemo infusion. I will have to go every 3 weeks for Herceptin IV’s for the remainder of a year, but I will officially be done with the nasty part of chemo. My hair can start to grow back and I won’t have to have a shot every day any more. My first reconstruction surgery should be the middle of July. We are trying to work that out right now. I cannot believe I have made it this far. What an exhausting journey. There is a lot more to go, but at least I will have made it through chemo.

I am also feeling better.  The pain from the Taxol has worn off.  Since I am starting to feel better, it must be almost time for another infusion.  I have my 3rd Herceptin tomorrow.    I found out today that they used to give Herceptin every week for a year.   Thankfully, they have changed it to 3 does at once every 3 weeks after I have finished the Taxol.  The gas prices are killing us as it is having to drive so far for all cancer treatments.  Soon we will be driving every day for radiation.  We may have to take out a lone to pay for the gas.  What is wrong with this country?  Can’t we get a handle on anything?  Greed, greed, greed!  Some day they will all pay.

Add comment June 11th, 2008 Julie

Sleep, sleep

Ah, another sleepless night.  This is the second time in two weeks that I haven’t been able to sleep most of the night.  That hasn’t happened for a long time.  It must be the chemo.  Just 3 1/2 weeks left I keep telling myself.  I am amazed I have made it this far.  It’s amazing how strong you can be when you have no choice.  I have 3 little soles to live for and I refuse to give in for them.

I want to see my daughter get married.  My sons grow into men.  My oldest is just 12 and he is already getting a mustache and is nearly as tall as me.  I am convinced he is going to pass me this summer.    He is such a joy now.  Hard to believe he was such a nightmare as a baby and toddler.  Some days we wondered if we would survive until he was 5 as miserable as he was.  Now he is as sweet as can be.  The nicest 12 year old boy around.    He gets all A’s and B’s in school and his teachers love him.  I’d love to stick my tung out at all the nasty people in Oklahoma who used to enjoy blaming me for his behavior and talked about me behind my back.   A lot of love and effort went into making that child who he is today, and I will gladly take the blame for that.

My baby girl is starting to get into girly things like painting her nails with kid polish.  I have fun doing her manicures for her.  She feels like a big girl and I have fun watching her be beautiful.  She is as smart as a tack and knows what she wants.

My other boy is going to be our star athlete some day.  He is broad shouldered and the tallest in his class.  He is very coordinated and naturally athletic.    He is very smart and does well in school.  He is going to be a little writer some day.

Add comment June 10th, 2008 Julie

Thanks to all

Lest I forget, I wanted to mention all the wonderful cards and gifts from family and friends.  Nearly every week something else shows up in my mail box.  I really appreciate you all thinking of me and my family and praying for us.  I continue to be amazed by your generosity.    I am tired, so time to hit the sheets.  Some how I always end up writing in my blogs in the late night.  It’s quiet, I am alone and there are no kids around going, “Mom, mom, mom,” ha   Although I am happy to be called mom.

Spending time with the kids reading, playing, and just holding them has become incredibly important over night.  It was always important before, but when are you not sure if you will be around 5 years from now, there is an urgency to making memories with the kids that they can remember if I should be gone some day sooner than I would like.  I want them to remember a mom who loved them enough to take the time to play with them and listen to them and ask them questions.  Help them with their home work, make lemon aid for them because I know they like it, etc.  The simple things that most people take for granted and put off until they are done talking on their cell to their friends, playing with their computer, watching TV, etc.  My time may be limited, so I make the time for them now rather then later.

Add comment June 8th, 2008 Julie

Ouch!!

It has been a rough weekend. I woke up Saturday morning feeling like I was hit by a truck in the night. The Taxol has smacked me like a brick wall. I am in a lot of pain this weekend. My legs, ankles, knees, and shoulder too at times all hurt. I believe it is the Taxol. It can give you some pretty nasty muscle aches. It’s hard to even move. Hopefully, it will let up soon.

I have my 3rd Herceptin infusion this Thursday. It should be nice and short. I don’t even have to go to the doctor first, so that is good. Today will be my 42nd injection of Neupogen. I will be really happy when I don’t have to see another needle for awhile.

I was just thinking today that it’s been 5 months since I started this process with surgery. I still have a long way to go, but I have also come really far as well. Hopefully the second half of this won’t be as difficult as the first half has been. I am starting to feel wore out by the whole thing. But, I’ve got to just keep plugging away. I wonder how many people just give up from pure exhaustion and weary of being sick? I have three little people depending on me, so giving up is not an option. I wonder if I would feel this way with out them. I don’t know. I might just be content to go. I refuse to let my baby’s be raised without a mother, so there is no question about fighting.

Add comment June 8th, 2008 Julie

Wednesday was a long day

I had my 6th round of chemo last Wednesday.  What a long day.  It’s an hour drive there.  My doctor was already running an hour late at 9:00 a.m., so we waited an hour to see her.  Then after the doctor it took another hour before they could fit me into the infusion room.  Once I got into the infusion room, the nurse I had actually got the IV in the first time.  Thank heaven.  I had a 30 minute infusion of steroids, Benadryl and Pepcid.    The Herceptin Iv took an hour, and the Taxol took 3 hours.  Needless to say, I was there all day long.

It’s very unusual for a mom to have that many hours, sitting still in one place with little to do but read, listen to music, write letters, or watch TV.  I sat and wrote letters to a few friends, read a magazine, and listened to my MP3 player.

The Taxol just kicks my butt.   I just want to sleep for about 3 days straight after I have an infusion.  I only have two Taxol infusions left.  One month left.  Then it’s just Herceptin for the next year.  I can’t wait.  That means my hair will start to grow back in 4  weeks.   I have heard it takes about 2 months to have enough hair to have it cut really short.  Luckily, my hair has always grown fast.  I hope it doesn’t fail me now.   Being bald gets old.  ha

Being bald and having no breast is hardly sexy.  The husband thinks so too.

I am ready to get my body parts back to normal, or close to normal any way.

I am still doing okay.  I have my difficult days, but over all I am keeping up with the fight well.

My Dad has been a huge help.  He is leaving in a week to go home and get some things taken care of at his house.  He has been here for about 3 months now.  In a few weeks, he and my mother are coming back together for my surgery and radiation therapy.   I am glad they are going to be here.  I will need all the extra support I can get.

Add comment June 6th, 2008 Julie

My 6th round of Chemo

I have my 6th round of chemo all day tomorrow. I see my doctor first and then head to the chemo room. They will stick me at least twice to get the needle in right and then give me some Benadryl and Pepcid by IV. Then I have 3 hours of Taxol and when they are done with that I have an hour of Herceptin. It will be an all day thing including the 2 hour round trip drive. What a pain. The best thing about it is I only have 2 more rounds of Taxol to go after tomorrow. One month before my hair can start to grow back and I don’t have to go every week or two to be stuck like a pig for an IV. I will still have to go for Herceptin Iv’s every 3 weeks. But that’s no big deal. I will be so excited the last Neupargen shot I have to take.

My help is headed home soon. My dad has selflessly lived with us for several weeks helping with the kids, house work, and getting me to and from appointments. I don’t know what we would have done with out him. I surely couldn’t drive myself to chemo as lousy as I feel by the time I am done and my husband can’t take that much time off work. Having my Dad here has been a true blessing. He and my Mom are coming back in a few weeks for my surgery. I am glad they will be here. My Dad is also going to help me drive every day to have radiation.

Pray that these next 4 weeks go quickly. I am ready to be done with chemo.  It would be nice to have a half way decent summer.  Last summer was spent in agony on the couch from the Firbomyalgia.  I deserve a break.  ha

Add comment June 3rd, 2008 Julie