We will Survive
Just a few nights ago my husband was maneuvering himself to give me my next Neupogen shot (I’ve had about 32 now) and he was a little apprehensive because about half the time it really hurts. I assured him that he was doing a good job and I wasn’t mad at him because he has to give me shots and it hurts sometimes. I said, “some day this will all be over”. He said, “that’s our motto, we will survive. We may not have any fun doing it, but we will survive.” Sadly, he is right. The last few years have been one medical nightmare after another and each one has gotten worse and worse. “We will survive.”
Tomorrow I have my second MUGA test. It is a test they do to make sure your heart if functioning right. One of the chemo drugs can effect your heart. It of course involves more needles and injections. I am so sick of being poked and prodded. It’s just endless. Ever since I was in my teens I haven’t been particularly afraid of needles, but I’ve got to say, I will be so glad the last needle I have to see in this miserable process.
It has been dreary and miserable here for months weather wise. We are finally supposed to get some summery weather tomorrow and for a few days. They are even talking 90’s which is unheard of this time of year. It would be nice to see the sun after this cold, dreary spring.
1 comment May 14th, 2008 Julie
Chemo
I am officially half way done with the heavy part of chemo! Happy dance. There is still a long way to go in my treatment, but at least the hardest part of chemo is progressing. I am having another Muga test on my heart next week to make sure the chemo medication isn’t effecting it. I start two new drugs the next time I go to chemo.
I am thinking about having a port put in. I am tired of the chemo nurses digging in my hand and sticking me two or three times to get a vein. OUCH!! Makes me want to slap someone. I still have a long way to go before I am done having IV’s.
I have an appointment to discuss my options for reconstruction with the plastic surgeon the beginning of June. From what I have been reading an implant sounds like the least painful and easiest of all of the ways of constructing a breast. I am not looking forward to two more surgeries.
Please continue to pray for me and my family during this difficult time. I am very fortunate to have supportive parents, husband, and children who all love me.
Add comment May 9th, 2008 Julie
Wore out
Hi everyone. I haven’t written anything for a few days and I have received several e-mails asking how I am doing. The week after chemo is always difficult. By the end of the week you are tired and sore like you have the flu. Then a few days later your blood count returns to normal and you feel better for a couple of days. Just in time for another round of chemo and it all starts over again.
I am almost half way through the heavy part of chemo. I start two new drugs in three weeks. One is Taxol and the other is Herceptin. I take the Taxol every two weeks for 4 doses. I take the Herceptin every week for 8 weeks and then every three weeks for the rest of the year. Hard to believe I will still be doing this a year from now, but that is how it works. I am actually lucky, because it is a relatively new drug and it’s a target therapy for my specific kind of cancer. It increases your chances of survival by 50 % and that is quite a bit.
I go to see a plastic surgeon soon to find out about reconstruction. I am not looking forward to two more surgeries, but I will be happy when it’s over with the end results. It will be nice to put on cloths and not look funny. I think I will have an implant inscerted under my chest muscle. The way it has been explained to me so far is that they put an expander in there first and keep pumping it up to stretch the skin over time. Then they go back and put the actual implant in. There is also another way to do it. They take fat from you stomach or thigh and construct a breast out of it. I don’t know if I want too many different areas of my body hurting. As it is right now, I can only sleep on my back or my left side because of the lymph nodes being removed in my right arm and my lower back aching when I lay on my stomach. It’s gets to the point where it is virtually impossible to be comfortable.
Please if there is any one out there who has any experience with breast reconstruction, I would love to hear your opinion about the different kinds of surgery.
I am absolutely dreading driving an hour each direction to Portland each day to have radiation for 6 weeks. There are a lot of draw backs to living out in the sticks. Especially when gas is going to be $5 a gallon before we know it. It’s just ridiculous to think of waisting all of that money and time going back and forth. But, when it’s that or possible death, you haven’t got much of a choice. You do what the doctor says is right.
I heard from a new friend who’s mother is just starting to go through chemo today. She was supposed to receive her first dose recently and had a nightmare of a time with it. I guess they spent 2 1/2 hours trying to get her port to work right when they finally decided to x ray it only to find that there was a kink in it and that it needed to be replaced. So, they took the poor lady in for surgery to have the old port taken out and a new port put it. Then they were planning on taking her immediately from surgery for her first chemo treatment. Surgery started late, so by the time she was wheeled into chemo, it was too late to start. What a frustrating waste of time. I feel for her. Please pray that things smooth out soon and start to go easier for this poor woman. As if this whole experience isn’t bad enough, such a stressful way to start doesn’t help the situation any.
I thank you all for your continued support with prayer, cards, and gifts. I feel very loved by all. It means a lot to me. A friend is running in a cancer run soon and she is going to wear a picture of me and her mother during the run. I think that is very sweet. You go Girl!!
2 comments April 28th, 2008 Julie
More surprises from friend of the famliy
I received a cancer care package from Larry and Linda today, good friends of my parents for years. She sent me a Fairy theme, which I enjoy. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that my parents have you guys to rely on for friends. I continued to pray for Larry every day that he would feel better and get the answers he is looking for. Please keep us up to date.
1 comment April 22nd, 2008 Julie
Grandma Rowene’s Eulogy
This is the eulogy I read at my Grandmother’s funeral.
I am here today to tell you about my Grandma, Rowene. Rowene…. What a beautiful and unique name. My Grandma was a beautiful and unique woman. There is a poem by an author named Jenny Joseph’s that starts, “When I am old I shall wear purple with a red hat that doesn’t go….” My grandma was never much for purple, but her personality was definitely purple.
Some of my earliest memories of my grandmother are of her sitting at the sewing machine at my parent’s home sewing clothes for my sister and me. She was very much the quintessential grandma who sewed clothes, baked bread and sweets, canned fruit and pickles, and the meals she cooked were legendary. She had white hair and glasses and everyone called her grandma as long as I can remember, no matter who they were, because she was everyone’s grandma and mother.
When I was just a preschooler she came to visit us in Arizona with my Grandpa Orvan. My sister Tammy was in the first grade and my grandparents and I would walk to school every day in the afternoon to pick her up. Each of them would hold one of my hands as we walked. They would pull up with their arms and raise me up in the air and swing me back and forth and back and forth. I just giggled with joy. Every time I look at my daughter with her Nana and Papa, I am reminded of those special times with my grandparents.
Grandparents occupy a very unique position in our lives. They love us unconditionally. They don’t have to take care of us, and it’s not their job to raise us, so they are in a special position of being able to just appreciate us for who we are.
Unfortunately, we lost my grandfather when I was just 5 or 6 years old. He suffered with bone cancer and went home to be with his heavenly father in 1973. I would have liked to have known him longer, but I still feel I knew him even as small as I was. I still have many memories of him. Playing cards with him in his big chair. Taking a walk together as he strode along with his cane. Talking into his hearing aid while we sat in his lap. Every once in awhile I talk to him in my prayers.
My grandma loved to tell stories about us when we were small. She often told a story about me when I was just 5 or 6 years old. She was sitting at the sewing machine sewing clothes at my parents home in Arizona. I was sitting there with her talking her ear off as I often did when I was small. As most of you know, Phoenix is traditionally warm and sunny most of the year. Grandma used to come down to Phoenix with the rest of the Snowbirds to escape the wicked winters in Wisconsin and spend time with us, her grandchildren. Apparently, it had been raining for a few days in Phoenix, which is unusual, and grandma made the comment that she was going to go home if the rain didn’t clear up soon. Being a child, I of course took her literally and was very concerned. She said I got very serious, closed my big eyes and put my little hands together, and prayed hard to God, “Dear God, please make the rain go away so my grandma won’t go home.” Every time she told that story she would laugh and smile at me. The joy of a child’s innocent and pure belief in the power of prayer and a benevolent God.
Once when my grandma was still living in her little house on 5th street, Tammy and I were there to visit. My Uncle was still living there and he had an extra bed in his room that used to be my Dad’s bed. Since she had limited room, that is where we slept. We were still little kids, so we each slept with our head at opposite ends of the bed like you do with little kids. That night as we were going to bed my grandma sat and prayed with us. That night she taught me this prayer. “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.” To this day I still say that prayer in my head every night before I go to sleep. When I was pregnant with each of my 3 children I said the prayer for them too. My grandma was one of the first people to teach me about faith in God by her example. She was a good Christian woman and held a deep belief in Our Holy Father. She went to church faithfully on Sunday and was always there to volunteer when they needed help. She was an incredible example of what a Christian woman should be.
Grandma had a great sense of humor and was happy being the butt of many jokes. She was always ready for fun. My sister and I took dancing lessons when we were kids and we had yearly recitals. One year, we were riding in my Dad’s big cargo van, Old Yeller, on our way to one of our recitals. There was a bench seat in the back for us kids, and grandma used to sit in a lawn chair, smack dab in the middle of the van. This was in the days before people worried about seat belts, obviously. We were on our way to a friends house to pick him up to take him to our recital, and as we pulled in front of his house my Dad made a bit of a hard stop. We all watched as grandma’s lawn chair tipped over in slow motion with her in it. Every one of us gasped in fear, afraid that she would hit her head or hurt herself. She had to be at least 60 years old at the time. As we held our breath, she was quiet for a minute, then suddenly she just burst out laughing and we all joined in. She was always willing to see the funny side of things.
Grandma was feisty and tough. There was a story she used to tell us when we had trouble with other kids in school about her when she was a little girl in Wisconsin. In those days there were several grades all together in the same little school house with one teacher. Apparently, one of the large farm boys used to enjoy picking on grandma. She was a petite little thing, so I am sure he thought she was an easy target. Little did he know. One day she had apparently had it with this kid, when she went to walk past him and he tried to trip her. She got up and took her pencil and just started poking him in the arm with it over and over. Apparently, that was the last time he bothered her. Grandma always could take care of herself.
Grandma was smart and compassionate. Grandma had to quit school when she was just 14 because she became very ill with yellow jaundice and she never went back. Grandma was always there for other people when they were sick, giving birth, or dying to offer comfort and compassion. If things had been different she may have been a nurse. It was a profession that would have suited her well. Instead, she worked in the post office for 30 years. She knew everyone in town and they knew her. She was friendly and a hard worker.
Grandma even influenced the profession I chose to go into. I have a psychology degree and I am a certified teacher. I fully intended to get a teaching job one day. After I had children I just wasn’t comfortable leaving them to be raised by strangers, so I decided to start my own business out of my home. When I was about 20 years old my grandma bought me my very first cross stitch kit and she taught me how to cross stitch. Cross stitching is something I have enjoyed doing in my spare time for years. About two years ago, I decided to open a cross stitch supply store out of my home. We have been in business for two years now and we are going strong. I really love it. Thanks to grandma, I found something I really enjoy doing.
Here are just a few things I will remember about my grandma:
-her sense of humor-her old fashioned sayings-the smell of Dove soap-spending summers at her house when we were kids-playing Frisbee in front of her apartment with our cousins- playing post office on her stairs in her house when we were kids-walking to church on Sunday morning-learning how to sew and cross stitch with her-making freash bread and jam in her apartment-her white hair-her laugh- and what a great grandma she really was.
My Grandma Rowene will be missed by every one. She obviously touched many lives by the size of this crowd. She lived a long, happy, mostly healthy life. In the last few years she grew frail and tired and she was ready to go home to be with her Heavenly Father. I am glad that she is happy, comfortable, with Grandpa, and at peace in heaven with God. This January I was diagnosed with stage III a breast cancer. Knowing that she is in heaven waiting for me makes the possibility of losing my battle with cancer some day less frightening. I know when my time comes she and my Grandpa will meet me hand in hand to take me home.
God’s Grace to you all!
1 comment April 21st, 2008 Julie
I’m Back
We returned from my grandma’s funeral Saturday. It was a busy week. Luckily I was feeling well most of the time. Just a little tired. I have chemo again tomorrow, so it won’t last long. The first week after chemo is always difficult. I feel sick for the first few days and then I am dog tired for the rest of the week until my white blood count comes back up.
Grandma’s funeral was beautiful. I delivered part of the eulogy and I don’t think there was a dry eye in the church when I finished. I prayed hard to God before I went up to the pulpit to give me my voice and help me to make it through the eulogy without crying. I just wanted to do my Grandma’s memory justice.
She wore a Navy blue suit and they did a good job at the funeral home making her look like she did when she was healthy. There were lots of lovely flowers sent by family and friends and of course the flowers that were part of the funeral. Her casket was dark blue and the interior was white. There were over 100 people at the funeral and the viewing the night before. It was good to talk to family and friends that we haven’t seen in years.
After the funeral we went to the nursing home to drop off some flowers and cake as a thank you for taking good care of my Grandma. As we stood at the nursing station at the funeral home we could all see into Grandma’s room. It was all cleaned out of her personal effects and there were cleaning products all over the floor. We all just stood there and looked at her empty room remembering what it looked like when she was in there. It somehow made her passing seem final. It was sad to see her room so empty. Room 11.
We discovered something strange after the funeral was over. She used to live in Apartment 11 before she went into the nursing home. When she was in the nursing home, her room was number 11. Finally, she died on April 11th. Not sure what the significance of 11 is, but there must be something there.
I had several requests for a copy of my eulogy. I will put a copy of it on my blog some time in the next few days. Thank you all for sharing my love for my Grandma.
Round three of chemo starts tomorrow. I will only have 5 rounds left after tomorrow. Please pray that chemo isn’t too difficult this time.
2 comments April 20th, 2008 Julie
It’s 2:00 a.m. and I am up
It’s 2:00 a.m. and I am up again hacking away. I just can’t seem to get rid of this perpetual cold or whatever it is that continues to cause drainage and bother my throat. It is very frustrating. I have lost my voice at least 3 times since I started chemo. I am drinking cough medicine and tea trying to get my cough under control so I can go back to bed. Sleep is very important when you are in the middle of chemo. It’s a necessity.
Please pray for my throat and cough. I am supposed to deliver part of the eulogy for my Grandmother this week and it is very important to me to honor her life.
Thank you.
2 comments April 13th, 2008 Julie
Grandma Died
The phone rang a little before 1:00 a.m. I knew before I answered it that my Grandmother had passed. She had a long, happy, full life. She has struggled for a few years now and was tired and ready to go. We have made arrangements to go to the funeral so we can all say goodbye. I think everyone in her little town will be there. She has lived there for 95 years and she used to work at the post office, so everyone knew her.
I just got a call from the Oncology Pharmacy that my white blood count is too low. I have to take a couple more Nupagen shots. Not happy about that, but it makes sense. I have had a harder time recovering this time, so I knew my blood count must be low.
Please keep my family in your prayers during this difficult time.
God Bless
Add comment April 11th, 2008 Julie
Grandma
It has been a difficult day. My Grandmother is in a nursing home in Wisconsin and she is going to be 96 in June. She is on her last leg I think. She was in intensive care this morning with congestive heart failure and a number of other problems. She has stabilized again now, but I don’t think it will be long.
I want to go to the funeral. Actually, I would like to deliver part of the eulogy. I can postpone chemo a few days if necessary according to my doctor. I just pray I can handle the trip. I know if I don’t go, I will regret it the rest of my life. I have to be there to say, “Good bye.”
1 comment April 10th, 2008 Julie
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